How often do you feel accepted?
No matter who I asked this question to I get a variety of answers. Some people feel accepted with those they’ve been around for most of their lives. But for many more of us “not accepted“ was a much more familiar feeling. And, it's the opposite of what's desired, which is connection and community - a sense of belonging.
Feeling “not accepted“ causes a string of emotional barriers. It also creates some very interesting behaviors. For example, some people will withdraw so as not to have to deal with anything emotional. Some become ambivalent to another's feelings and needs. Other people will people-please in order to be accepted, knowing deep down they cannot be who they truly are for fear of rejection. These are survival skills we learn in childhood, and without self-exploration, they'll follow us into adulthood, even those behaviors that don't serve us.
Please don’t hear that as a bad thing, it’s just how we're wired. The question I would want to ask you is, "Is this what you choose?" In other words, are you happy withdrawing, being ambivalent, or people-pleasing, or would you rather be in genuine connection with another? If you're like many people, genuine connection is the desired placed to be. The question I often get is, "But how do I get there? If I knew how to connect better, I would!"
What I’ve learned in my many years of coaching is that over and over people that do not feel accepted in their current life, find it very difficult to comfortably be in community. It feels too vulnerable. Being vulnerable, showing vulnerability, creates a lot of stress, because you must show your true self. And that can be terrifying if you don't have clarity about who you genuinely are.
I don’t know about you, but at a very early age I learned that being myself was not acceptable. If I was being too loud, I needed quiet down, right now. If I asked for something materialistic, I was selfish because we didn't have the money. If I wasn’t always nice to my brother or sister, I was shamed. Even if I got an "A" on my school paper, my penmanship could’ve been better.
WTF?
What’s wrong with me? Why was I put down so much? Why was I shamed or belittled because I wasn't perfect 100% of the time? And why did it feel so yucky inside?
What I’ve come to learn is that for many adults today, they too had either neglectful or abusive parents. I had one of each so it’s easy for me to speak to this “Not accepted“ feeling. And, to be clear, I'm not blaming my parents. Yes, I wish they were more conscious of their behaviors, but they weren't.
Also, there’s a difference between neglect and abuse, one is unconscious behavior and the other is not caring if you hurt another's feelings as you believe your needs are more important. But the negative affects on the child are the same. What tends to come out of a childhood with parents who aren't consciously aware of what they are doing can be feelings of unworthiness, feeling unlovable, the need to (over) achieve, not feeling OK about who you are, and there is often the feeling as if "something's missing".
During those childhood years, I came up with survival skills to help make it through the painful weeks, months, and years. These survival skills allowed me to stay numb, and not deal with my emotions. Even acknowledging an emotion was way too painful, so it was easier to stay shut down, stay numb. The result was one of feeling frustrated, confused, lacking clarity, and this big feeling like something's missing. Have you ever felt this way?
I've spent decades trying to understand what was going on with me, and I'm proud to say that even though it's taken a lot of hard work, I feel better, happier, and more fulfilled today than I ever have. The struggle to get here has definitely been worth it.
Here’s what I’d like to share with you. Taking the time to learn who you came into this world to be - versus how you were taught to be - will change everything for you! Moving the curtains out of the way and discovering the person behind the curtain, is the path to better connection and communication (starting with yourself, and it branches out from there).
I have a Facebook group called “Awesome on the Inside“. It's a small, growing community where we have challenges, do activities, share stories, help each other out, and it's a safe space to learn and be yourself.
We do some serious emotional work, yet we find ways to have a lot of fun. We laugh, we cry. We share, we support. We join together to help you get from here to there (wherever your "there" is). Truly, it's not for everyone, but for those that resonate with this message of hope and love, you are welcome to join this women and femme only community.
Let’s thrive together!